i am not tired, not sleepy, not worrying… Well slightly… But not to an overbearing extent. I am not letting the inner voices get the better of me. I feel like my mind is clearing, it’s strange.
I’m having a stressful time at the moment, and actually dealing with it. It feels odd. I keep waiting for the come down.
I’ve managed to ask friends for help so I’m not struggling alone. It’s strange, weird. I almost don’t recognise myself.
One day at a time….
But yet I feel like I’m dealing with things, I keep playing over my ability to do so well…. I can’t sleep.
Today I think…. What was yesterday all about, why was I like that. Why was I such an idiot? Why I was I crying? Why did I ruin mine and my boyfriends day? Why do I let Mr depression take over?
The clouds have cleared, I’m still full of cold so I do just want to go back to bed…. But not because the depression tells me so.
The thing I feel most is guilt, I ruined the weekend for both myself and my boyfriend… Who is quite frankly the most understanding guy in the world, I’m not sure how he does it…. Maybe he’s sneaking my citalopram:)
I definitely am able to move on from the little things…. I say to myself, will this affect me next week, next month, next year, five years from now. Unless the answer is yes to all of these… I try my best to let it go.
Imagine it as a balloon… Hold up the worry and let it go…. (Maybe it’s what that frozen girl was singing about).
i wish people were transparent… If I knew how they felt, how much they hated me, how much they loved me.
Life would be easier, I wouldn’t have to assume everyone hated me and was out to get me.
Depression sucks…. People with depression have some understanding of each other, but it’s not like they can come in your help and help your sort out the crosses wires and paperwork.
I sometimes wish I could take a six month break off life and sort mine out. Still do day to day things, but spend my time studying ways to not feel useless, to make mistakes and not take the guilt to the grave, to let myself be loved.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall, everything seems so perfect to me… Except me.
I want to see inside others, to play spot the difference…. To see the similarities.
However my mind set got this way, I have to live with it now. I just wonder if I can ever live a life of happiness with it.
The head zaps are still there, as I wean myself off the antidepressants. However today it’s joined by an in coming cold. I just want to go home put my head under the covers and not face anything.
But I soldier through work and the other challenges I face today.
My car was recently in the garage for repair through the insurance – since getting it back I’ve noticed the colour match is rubbish and the paint is bubbling. I return my car to them – my pride and joy – my Nissan 350z my dream car – the car I look at and it makes me think not doing so bad at life – the car that drives me away when I need to escape. They give me a Nissan micra as a replacement – bleurgh!!!
They call me up – this bubbling is not our fault – we argue – I remain calm while putting my argument across. I hang up and phone the insurance company to complain.
This is the things that scare me, how to people not on antidepressants cope when life throws them lemons, how do they have the energy to make lemonade? – I usually get angry at everyone around me, scream, shout, cry, throw things.
So this is it challenge number 1. Can I deal with the suituation. Can I talk about it calmly, can I avoid it getting in the way of my relationships with my boyfriend and friends, who would usually take the brunt of it. If only I didn’t have these stupid zaps and onset of a cold I could go to the gym and burn out some agression – but for now hopefully rubbish TV and a hot bath will help me forget the stresses of today.
So here I am, decreased the citalopram 40 mg, to 20 to 10 and now 0 mg. Three days in and these head zaps are horrendous, the mornings start well but then as the day goes on, zap, zap, zap. Like electricity running through me, twisting inside me, with every zap I feel sick, I close my eyes and wait for it to stop.
Don’t move my head I think…. Keep it still, the zaps will stop. Then I realise I’m at work and have to function. My concentration span has deteriorated this week – it better come back with vengeance as I need to write reports!
Zap zap zap, I feel clumsy like everytime I hold something I’ll drop it. Zap zap zap I hear my words slurring it’s hard to move my mouth in a controlled manner….
I know I have Citalopram left at home, I could take some and this zapping would stop. But I persist…. I’m too stubborn to fail. I’m a biologist – I will not be beaten by chemistry.
(I should explain that I actually am I biologist, I love the wonders of life… However it sometimes makes me look at myself as a statistical outlier… The organism who doesn’t operate in the same way as others. That causes headaches for others… Who needs different optimal conditions to grow.
Whatever the case what I need right now is these zaps to stop, the last two evenings I’ve come straight home to bed. I’m too tired of the zapping to do anything else… I sleep or watch Netflix and part of it is great…. Having some lazy time. The other part feels awful that I’m putting my body through this. I don’t think you realise how much antidepressants work on your brain until you try to come off them.
But I’ll persist. I just want to know if I can do it.
Be antidepressant free AND Happy.
So here it is, my goodbye to citalopram the drug I thought was keeping me a normal human. The drug that was keeping me from crying for no reason. The drug that suppressed all the little things that built up so much I wanted to tear my whole life apart just to get rid of them. The drug that stopped me being nervous about everything…. That helped me realise it was okay to fail.
Or was it… Was it the drugs
Maybe I’ve changed.
Maybe I’m better. Maybe I don’t need the chemical enhancement. Maybe life is better. Maybe I can cope. Maybe I can be ‘normal’. Maybe my life has changed so much that I can handle the bad and respond to the good.
I’m so bloody nervous…. So I thought I’d try…. Try but still have some antidepressants in my top drawer… Just in case.