So here I am, decreased the citalopram 40 mg, to 20 to 10 and now 0 mg. Three days in and these head zaps are horrendous, the mornings start well but then as the day goes on, zap, zap, zap. Like electricity running through me, twisting inside me, with every zap I feel sick, I close my eyes and wait for it to stop.
Don’t move my head I think…. Keep it still, the zaps will stop. Then I realise I’m at work and have to function. My concentration span has deteriorated this week – it better come back with vengeance as I need to write reports!
Zap zap zap, I feel clumsy like everytime I hold something I’ll drop it. Zap zap zap I hear my words slurring it’s hard to move my mouth in a controlled manner….
I know I have Citalopram left at home, I could take some and this zapping would stop. But I persist…. I’m too stubborn to fail. I’m a biologist – I will not be beaten by chemistry.
(I should explain that I actually am I biologist, I love the wonders of life… However it sometimes makes me look at myself as a statistical outlier… The organism who doesn’t operate in the same way as others. That causes headaches for others… Who needs different optimal conditions to grow.
Whatever the case what I need right now is these zaps to stop, the last two evenings I’ve come straight home to bed. I’m too tired of the zapping to do anything else… I sleep or watch Netflix and part of it is great…. Having some lazy time. The other part feels awful that I’m putting my body through this. I don’t think you realise how much antidepressants work on your brain until you try to come off them.
But I’ll persist. I just want to know if I can do it.
Be antidepressant free AND Happy.