Monthly Archives: October 2015

Impact fctors

So depression,anxiety illness I’ve had since I was a teen, I use to be able to cope with them… My early twenties I didn’t lash out, I merely cried or cut when it was quiet and safe to do so. 

Then I met a man, who had other ideas. Who pushed me to an inch or my life. Who told me nothing I did was good enough. Who made me feel like every opinion I had was wrong. Who made me feel like I was horrible and should be honoured that he wanted to have me in his life. The mental abuse was horrendous – I was a shadow of my former self. The rape left me feeling ugly, destroyed, confused. 
Eventually I mustered the strength to leave him…. Which resulted in a short stay in a psychiatric ward. I managed after a lot of help and drugs get myself back on my feet…. But this post is not about the past… It is about the present. I now seem incapable to have a normal relationship – every challenge, every minor argument I blow up – throw things, last night it was red wine all over my partner – my best friend. Why can’t I go back to the way things were? When the only person I hurt was myself? Why am I so scarred by my past relationship – I’ve met my best a guy that really loves me- and I throw it in his face – I can’t accept that this is happiness and it’s okay. 

People think once you’re removed from a suitauation it’ll be okay – you’ll bounce back. But I live with emotional scars – I feel guilty for entering another relationship, why should I put anyone through living with me. 
I write this now not knowing if my boyfriend will come home, if we’re over, or if due to feelings I can’t deal with I’ve lost him. And all hope that I could put the past behind me. 

The numbness 

  
So I’m doing okay…. Yes I’ve had tears, shouting, fear, more tears. But I’m getting there, life without the little white pills that kept me going. 

Antidepressants are often thought to numb your thoughts, feelings, senses…. Yet now I live in a world without them I realise again the numbness of depression and being a depressive. It’s got to be one of the worst bits of depression, that inability to feel….. We’re bloody good at the sadness and the disappointment…. But God! Sometimes I want to feel the love that fills my life, the happiness, the joy, the excitement. 

Sometimes I have to make a conscious effort, to act like others and fake these emotions…. Sometimes this helps and I feel glimmers of actually feeling them again… And sometimes it tires me out and I want to go back to bed and lay in my emotionless depressive pit again. 

It was easier to feel when the chemicals numbed the negative….. So I now I have to find my own way to display happiness and joy…. Answers on a postcard please.