So depression,anxiety illness I’ve had since I was a teen, I use to be able to cope with them… My early twenties I didn’t lash out, I merely cried or cut when it was quiet and safe to do so.
Then I met a man, who had other ideas. Who pushed me to an inch or my life. Who told me nothing I did was good enough. Who made me feel like every opinion I had was wrong. Who made me feel like I was horrible and should be honoured that he wanted to have me in his life. The mental abuse was horrendous – I was a shadow of my former self. The rape left me feeling ugly, destroyed, confused.
Eventually I mustered the strength to leave him…. Which resulted in a short stay in a psychiatric ward. I managed after a lot of help and drugs get myself back on my feet…. But this post is not about the past… It is about the present. I now seem incapable to have a normal relationship – every challenge, every minor argument I blow up – throw things, last night it was red wine all over my partner – my best friend. Why can’t I go back to the way things were? When the only person I hurt was myself? Why am I so scarred by my past relationship – I’ve met my best a guy that really loves me- and I throw it in his face – I can’t accept that this is happiness and it’s okay.
People think once you’re removed from a suitauation it’ll be okay – you’ll bounce back. But I live with emotional scars – I feel guilty for entering another relationship, why should I put anyone through living with me.
I write this now not knowing if my boyfriend will come home, if we’re over, or if due to feelings I can’t deal with I’ve lost him. And all hope that I could put the past behind me.