Monthly Archives: January 2016

Questions 

I often wonder how much we feel, because that’s how we feel we are suppose to feel. 

How much we are fed in novels and films, tv, social media? 

Like we get annoyed at friends, family, partners because we feel we should be annoyed… But yet actually we’re okay with the situation… We can let whatever they have done pass… But instead we question it, get annoyed, upset because we feel we should.

I recently recently starting dating a man that over the last three years has been my best friend, held my hand through breakups – made me coffee, dinner, taken me out for numerous coffees. We’ve laughed, shared and had the most wonderful friendship – but although I had often pondered if it would – he finally kissed me. I now find myself dating a man I know inside out, I think is wonderful, gorgeous, caring but above all I know that he would never hurt me. 

I went through the turmoil of wondering whether to risk a friendship… But if I can’t be with my best friend then who? 

However I don’t want to fall back into the relationship trap – where I lose all confidence, become insecure, and push them away. This I know will be a struggle and perhaps something I need to talk to him about….? 

But things are good… Amazing…. Incredible. 

But yet I question things, “how much does he like me?” “Does he call me enough?” “Did he like his ex more”…. I question these feelings cos I feel I should… Like half my brain is saying he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t want to be and the other is telling me to ask him…. I ask him he takes on board what I’m saying and says its up to him to try harder… But then I question did i really feel these things in the first place.

Sometimes I want to stop questioning and just enjoy. 

Starting over 

Before Christmas saw the breakdown of my relationship…. I say breakdown, we had an argument he text to say it was over. 

So it’s over. And I was okay. 

I never thought I would be okay, I don’t think my friends and family thought I would be okay. But I was, am. 

There’s perhaps a big reason for this okayness, which I’ll explain in later blogs. But isn’t amazing I think, how far I’ve come…. Changes, breakdowns, relationships caused me to self destruct…. Attempt suicide… Cut… Cry.

But I’m okay.

It’s not the end of the world. I’ve sorted out the lease for the flat we shared. I can even have a cuppa with my now ex and feel almost normal. 

So I know I’m getting better… I can manage my mind… Yet I can’t help but feel my depression, anxiety, insecurities drove him away. That I’ll never be able to not drive people away. 

So I thought, maybe I should blog, blog my way through life… Put my thoughts down, before I shout about them. Even go through what I’d write down in my head and see if it helps. 

We’ll see. 

Back to work tomorrow. 

Life starts again…. But this year might be different, and end on a high…