I can feel the cloud of depression slowly moving in about to settle above my head…. I can feel the physical pressure it places on my forehead, it draining my energy, it pushing any evidence of a smile into a frown, it tearing my happy thoughts away, it wanting me to crawl into a ball shut out the world and hope I just disappear.
I don’t want this
God I want to push it away, but I can’t….
How do I move this?
Everything I am negative about…. I want to cry continuously
How do I stop this setting it?
I don’t want this. Not again
I am insecure.
I always tell new partners I’m insecure.
I could spend hours analysing, looking for that specific moment when my confidence drained. When I thought that everyone would always think the grass was always greener than to stay and be with me.
I have been loved, hated, cared for, stamped on, adored, heartbroken…. But haven’t we all.
Yet some people seem to fit into a new relationship and either hide or ignore their insecurities…. Mine rush through me, shoving the other person away from me, giving them a reason to leave.
I often and can’t seem to help think if I was different, people would love me more, if I wasn’t so grumpy or didn’t enjoy to swear my head off at the rugby or spend more money on my car than is probably sensible…. Then I’d be be happily married by now, caring for a husband and expecting kids.
I know this is nonsense…. But yet I look for these excuses…. Am I scared to let myself be loved or will my aniexty, fears, insecurities always stop me… I’m never sure what part of me is actually in control.
I would do anything to suppress my fears to put my confident secure self back in the driving seat….
So I’m dating my bestie… And it’s strangely awesome. Yet that niggle in the back of my mind tells me relationships always start well for me… I’m happy, attentive, sexy, funny, enthusiastic… Then something falls… Something slips… I change, depression aniexty hits, I become moody, and horrible, I cry, I change.
Sometimes I think… I’m just not with the right person… God I hope this is true.
Sometimes I think it’s me… Destined to be alone, well not alone my depression cloud beside me.
My wonder man and I have known each other three years, he’s been terrific, honest with me, mopped my tears, I’ve told him everything… And perhaps this is what I need a friendship relationship.
I think back to my first love whom I adored… He was my best friend for long before we dated. Maybe that is the key to keeping me happy.
I just want contentment, I’m terrified if my irrational mental state throws this relationship away I’ll also lose my best friend….
But at the moment I’m happy…. Let’s just take it slow.