After having some terrible episodes lately – which I believe have flared up by the fact I have to deal with my ex. My ex who mentally, sexually and physically abused me for four years – who managed to turn me from a confident, laid back, comfortable in her own skin kinda girl into a anxious wreck who constantly looks for the negative and always wants to know if she’s done the right ….My boyfriend says I need to come to terms with it.
I guess he’s right, until I accept what happened and that was a minor blip in the giant journey of my life – then I won’t be able to move on. I guess I feel like so much happened, that my head is a mess it is now no longer able to process what is the correct way to behave in a relationship and what isn’t. When you’ve had years of the believing that wrong is right it’s going to take a while to turn it round, to sort it out, isn’t it?
I am a sucker for a romantic novel or consuming myself in Romeo and Juliet – but apparently these love stories don’t exist either. So what is right? How do I know when it’s all in place and this is life now?
I guess I never will – no one ever does. Do they?
I think however I need to learn to live in the moment – the present. I get unhappy and anxious out of fear of what might happen in the future. Therefore if I live in the moment of happiness that seems to be surrounding me a lot right now – then I have nothing to be miserable about. Right?
Perhaps easier said than done. But perhaps this realisation is a first step.
But maybe I’ll stop to remember the smiles – the tastes – the smells – let them linger a bit longer and maybe just it might help me to let some of the unhappy memories go.