Sometimes I wish I had thicker skin. Sometimes I wish the negativity would just run off me. Sometimes I wish I could just shrug it off. That I didn’t let it penetrate myself y mind and allow it chip away at me. To wake me up in the night, stealing my sleep, fragment my focus.
But yet I seem incapable of this.
I’m not sure if there is a trick to doing this… is anyone capable of mastering it. Are those who can emotionless, devoid of love and compassion?
But even if I could just let fifty percent of the negativity wash over me, then it would make this journey easier. It would make my sleep my peaceful and my mind less cluttered.
I’m impressed with how well I’ve been doing lately.
Okay so I still get those episodes of fear, dread, jealousity, insecurity. But it’s almost like I’m learning to let them wash over me and remove them from my brain. Not let them park up and linger – let them pass through. This is major progress – I must of had four incidences yesterday which usually would send me into an anxious frenzy. Where I’d need to lock down, throw up all my defences ans ultimately end up arguing with my partner.
However, yesterday okay so I went a bit quiet and internally slightly hurt but I didn’t let them linger. We weren’t discussing things a hour later – with me sobbing about how hard it is to control my mind.
I have no doubt that his support is a huge factor in this, he held me yesterday out of the blue and said he felt sad that anyone had mistreated me. Sometimes when you feel someone is thinking about what you’ve been through as well it makes it feel more like you’re tackling it together.
But perhaps also my hypnosis and meditation is helping too. Also going working somewhere I enjoy has to be helping. All these little things are potentially helping me tackle the little moments.
I’m not saying I’m cured – there is no cure. Or that I’m fully coping. But little steps are encouraging.