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Harmony 

Sometimes I wish my head and heart sang in harmony. Instead of tearing me apart – I know what to let go, but my depression and anxiety throws it around, and the dischords sing out. 

I wish I could find an inner harmony, to live at one with myself. To love the way I function and move and treat others. To just sail along like a perfect melody. 

I suppose it’s hard work, practice practice and more practice, to perfect the symphony of life. 

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Panic attacks ahoy 

Today was awful 

After the first hour of work I felt the dread creeping in. Then along came mr panic. I managed to hold off mrs tears until the moment I got into my car. 

Dusted myself off and started the journey to the shop – this couldn’t be another evening I went without food. Thank goddess for self service – I’m sure they were a gift for anxiety sufferers for those days we just have no words. 

On the way home my boyfriend rang, his voice like a huge hug. I didn’t want him to go or stop talking. I listened and tried to tell him about my day. My head screaming to tell him how low I felt – but the words didn’t come out. We said goodbye and the looniest started. 

Panic attack number 1 – I shake I feel numb, I fall to my knees. Deep breaths I say – enough to get peppermint tea. I’m desperate to talk to someone, but no answer. 

I calm myself, then like a lightening bolt – panic attack number 2 – again I’m crumbling, falling, trying to fight it, I go upstairs and contemplate a hot bath. The thought of the effort of getting the temperature right is too much – I fall down the stairs. I fall into a pathetic heap. I’m desperate to talk to someone – no answer. 

The evening continues – with more panic and breaks where for a short time I think it’s going to be okay. I draw, I drink tea, I do try. 

I’m the most selfish person when I’m anxious and depressed. I worry about myself and want to be looked after. I panic about being panicked… i feel so alone and just want someone to be there. 

I’m horrible and unkind. I’m jealous and pathetic. I really don’t want to be like this anymore. I need to recognise I’m better when I’m controlling this illness instead of letting it controlling me and others around me. 

I’m tried of risking my relationship, risking my best friend. I’m quite sure my partner might be more understanding to the occasional tear storm, if the other 350 days of the year were me working my ass off to get on top of this demon. 

Old anxious habits die hard

It has been 565 days since I said my goodbye to antidepressants. 565 days since I wrote about the head zaps, nausea, insominia and fear that I couldn’t cope without the drugs.  But here I am drug free – getting out of bed, going to work and returning home each day – without the need for the happy pills.

However, I expected that by working hard to come off the antidepressants I would also have worked out how to deal with my depression and anxiety.  The reality is they still cripple me from time to time.  I’m still crippled by the fear of having anxiety attacks and falling into a pit of depression.

In the last couple of months I have started seeing a counsellor again, I should of done it sooner, I suspect my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend/best friend may of really started to suffer if I had put it off much longer. The counselling is definitely helping – I see a fantastic lady who actually gives me advice, and doesn’t focus on my past and want to blame my parents.  Instead she looks at where I am now, and where I want to go with life.  However despite all the progress I am making I have this fear that I will always live with these anxious episodes, I will always live with heightened jealously, I will always live moments away from diving into that dark pool of depression.

I recently felt I was doing a lot better – not in the way that I was stopping such episodes, but in the way that I was noticing they were coming.  They were no longer sneaking up on me, which is apparently stage 1 of stopping them, its hard to stop the unexpected.  If I can realise when they’re coming then they next stage will be to learn how to deal with them and not let them take over.  Although I thought I was getting better at being on alert for the anxious angry army, but last night one hell of an attack snuck on me – there is was – jealously, anger, anxiety, panic, pain – any self esteem I did have had left the building, I was once again the lost soul I have become so many times since my teens.

I could talk about all the horrors and demons that creep into my mind during these episodes, but the one I feel will take the biggest amount of effort and change in my outlook is my jealousy.  I trust my partner dearly, I know he would never hurt me – he puts up with me through all of the above and stands by me.  But when I feel like nothing, when I feel ugly, pathetic, terrible at everything I do, like a burden on his life I find it terribly difficult not to feel jealous when he is out having fun with other people, especially when I can barely look after myself.  Why would he want to be with someone that manages to lose all control, that can’t maintain or even fake happiness a large portion of the time.  He’s my rock, my muse, my support system – but its so hard not to feel guilty when I put him through this.

I would love to conquer my jealousy, but it is one of the symptoms that I fear to conquer – which probably sounds idiotic.  I cannot help but think that is I am not heightened to such things then I may be opening myself up to being walked over – this is of course my anxiety talking and when I’m back in a solid state of mind I’d love to be breezy and live without jealousy.  Yet it seems terribly hard to conquer – maybe I try my depression tool box on it – go for a walk, meditate, watch a favourite film – but I’m pretty sure this one is going to take some beating.  I just want to find someone that knows how it feels and tell me how they did it, how they don’t feel abandoned, left out, how they still feel involved with someones life even when they’re not there…

Usually when I blog, by the end I come to some realisation that I am being silly, and in a way writing it all down helps me talk myself round.  Yet today I just feel a terrible sense of guilt, does anyone else struggle the days after they’ve had an anxious episode to snap themselves out of it?  I seem to wallow in bed, without food, and will probably sit and wait for morning to come with my old friend insomnia.  How do I wash this away and get on with my week/life – I won’t see my partner until the weekend – I’d like to be at the point where hearing his voice doesn’t make me want to weep.  Answers on a post card please.

 

 

Scars 

Sometimes I wish I could close chapters on life. To lock them up and take the lessons but not the pain. 

Four years I spent in an increasingly abusive relationship… mostly mental, sometimes sexual and occasionally physical. Three years later and the fear, the anxiety, the anger at myself for trapping myself in that situation still circles me. 

After three years I am finally getting off the mortgage – of course he is coming off better. He has kept the house and paying me a very small sum of money. Because I am too weak to fight. 

Any contact with him and I revert back to my terrified self. I can feel him pinning me down – me saying no, no, no over… crying. Locking myself in the bathroom – him forcing down the door. Trying to escape the house – him hiding the key after dragging me back to the flat by my hair. All the lies. All the financial control. Making me feel I was nothing. That no one else wanted me. That I needed him for survival. He caused me to destroy friendships. To lose my identity, my confidence, my coping mechanisms. 

However what now tears me apart is from the contact he acts like nothing happened – he’s wished me and my family a happy Christmas. Christmas an event that his actions led to one suicide attempt and one stay in a psychiatric ward. 

Well sod him – karma will prevail. 

I have everything that is the key to happiness. I am loved and feel loved for being me. I can stand on my own two feet financially. I have hobbies I love and a job I am passionate about. 

So hear is a promise to myself – every time those niggles, those pains from the past come in. They are getting told to F OFF – no tiny, pathetic human should control my happiness. It is in my hands, my heart, my head and I choose to surround myself with the incredible people I am discovering in this world. 

It won’t be easy, but I’m gonna fight this anxiety and depression. 2017 is the year I learn to cope! Let go! And have some bloody fun! 

Shake it off 

Sometimes I wish I had thicker skin.  Sometimes I wish the negativity would just run off me. Sometimes I wish I could just shrug it off. That I didn’t let it penetrate myself y mind and allow it chip away at me. To wake me up in the night, stealing my sleep, fragment my focus. 

But yet I seem incapable of this. 

I’m not sure if there is a trick to doing this… is anyone capable of mastering it. Are those who can emotionless, devoid of love and compassion? 

But even if I could just let fifty percent of the negativity wash over me, then it would make this journey easier. It would make my sleep my peaceful and my mind less cluttered. 

Counting to 10

I’m impressed with how well I’ve been doing lately. 

Okay so I still get those episodes of fear, dread, jealousity, insecurity. But it’s almost like I’m learning to let them wash over me and remove them from my brain. Not let them park up and linger – let them pass through. This is major progress – I must of had four incidences yesterday which usually would send me into an anxious frenzy. Where I’d need to lock down, throw up all my defences ans ultimately end up arguing with my partner. 

However, yesterday okay so I went a bit quiet and internally slightly hurt but I didn’t let them linger. We weren’t discussing things a hour later – with me sobbing about how hard it is to control my mind. 

I have no doubt that his support is a huge factor in this, he held me yesterday out of the blue and said he felt sad that anyone had mistreated me. Sometimes when you feel someone is thinking about what you’ve been through as well it makes it feel more like you’re tackling it together. 

But perhaps also my hypnosis and meditation is helping too. Also going working somewhere I enjoy has to be helping. All these little things are potentially helping me tackle the little moments. 

I’m not saying I’m cured – there is no cure. Or that I’m fully coping. But little steps are encouraging. 

Irritations 

Im having a good day. 

I can feel mr anxiety in the background but today I’ve got him under control. I stick him in the back room of your mind, let him do some filing about all the regular triggers. 

I finish work happy. 

I speak to people at your door confidently. I talk to people on the phone, engage them in conversation – 3 people in one night. That’s pretty awesome for someone who usually hates talking on the phone. 

Then something. Someone spoils it. 

I shouldn’t let them. But they do. They make me irritable. Annoyed. Slightly angry…. don’t they know I was doing great today. 

But what was different today – I spotted my mood. I’m writing this before I meditate. I spotted the signs of mr anxiety trying to move back into the driving seat. That has to be a positive step right? 

I think, maybe I could actually use my over analysing to conquer my ever busy mind. Maybe if I can analyse and recognise when I’m falling then I’ll know when I need to step up full on coping strategies. 

Sounds simple – I wish it was…