Irritations 

Im having a good day. 

I can feel mr anxiety in the background but today I’ve got him under control. I stick him in the back room of your mind, let him do some filing about all the regular triggers. 

I finish work happy. 

I speak to people at your door confidently. I talk to people on the phone, engage them in conversation – 3 people in one night. That’s pretty awesome for someone who usually hates talking on the phone. 

Then something. Someone spoils it. 

I shouldn’t let them. But they do. They make me irritable. Annoyed. Slightly angry…. don’t they know I was doing great today. 

But what was different today – I spotted my mood. I’m writing this before I meditate. I spotted the signs of mr anxiety trying to move back into the driving seat. That has to be a positive step right? 

I think, maybe I could actually use my over analysing to conquer my ever busy mind. Maybe if I can analyse and recognise when I’m falling then I’ll know when I need to step up full on coping strategies. 

Sounds simple – I wish it was… 

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Acceptance – advice required

Sometimes I think the hardest thing is acceptance. 

Acceptance that I have to live with anxiety. Depressive episodes. Acceptance that even on those good, terrific days, where everything is going well. Those days when I’m confident in my own skin – mr anxiety can strike and ruin it all.

Am I the only one that wakes up feeling good and forgets that I have to keep working on my coping. That I have to keep meditating, that I have to keep clearing my head, that I have to keep remembering that I have anxiety and depression. 

When I feel good, it feels better not to remember the struggles that I go through. But maybe by forgetting it allows it to strike again much earlier. 

God I wish I could suppress it – a holiday from my head would be nice. 

Has anyone found a way to practice coping during the times they don’t need to cope? 

Coming to terms 

After having some terrible episodes lately – which I believe have flared up by the fact I have to deal with my ex. My ex who mentally, sexually and physically abused me for four years – who managed to turn me from a confident, laid back, comfortable in her own skin kinda girl into a anxious wreck who constantly looks for the negative and always wants to know if she’s done the right ….My boyfriend says I need to come to terms with it. 

I guess he’s right, until I accept what happened and that was a minor blip in the giant journey of my life  – then I won’t be able to move on. I guess I feel like so much happened, that my head is a mess it is now no longer able to process what is the correct way to behave in a relationship and what isn’t. When you’ve had years of the believing that wrong is right it’s going to take a while to turn it round, to sort it out, isn’t  it? 

I am a sucker for a romantic novel or consuming myself in Romeo and Juliet – but apparently these love stories don’t exist either. So what is right? How do I know when it’s all in place and this is life now? 

I guess I never will – no one ever does. Do they?

I think however I need to learn to live in the moment – the present. I get unhappy and anxious out of fear of what might happen in the future. Therefore if I live in the moment of happiness that seems to be surrounding me a lot right now – then I have nothing to be miserable about. Right? 

Perhaps easier said than done. But perhaps this realisation is a first step. 

But maybe I’ll stop to remember the smiles – the tastes – the smells – let them linger a bit longer and maybe just it might help me to let some of the unhappy memories go. 

Coming to terms 

After having some terrible episodes lately – which I believe have flared up by the fact I have to deal with my ex. My ex who mentally, sexually and physically abused me for four years – who managed to turn me from a confident, laid back, comfortable in her own skin kinda girl into a anxious wreck who constantly looks for the negative and always wants to know if she’s done the right ….My boyfriend says I need to come to terms with it. 

I guess he’s right, until I accept what happened and that was a minor blip in the giant journey of my life  – then I won’t be able to move on. I guess I feel like so much happened, that my head is a mess it is now no longer able to process what is the correct way to behave in a relationship and what isn’t. When you’ve had years of the believing that wrong is right it’s going to take a while to turn it round, to sort it out, isn’t  it? 

I am a sucker for a romantic novel or consuming myself in Romeo and Juliet – but apparently these love stories don’t exist either. So what is right? How do I know when it’s all in place and this is life now? 

I guess I never will – no one ever does. Do they?

I think however I need to learn to live in the moment – the present. I get unhappy and anxious out of fear of what might happen in the future. Therefore if I live in the moment of happiness that seems to be surrounding me a lot right now – then I have nothing to be miserable about. Right? 

Perhaps easier said than done. But perhaps this realisation is a first step. 

But maybe I’ll stop to remember the smiles – the tastes – the smells – let them linger a bit longer and maybe just it might help me to let some of the unhappy memories go. 

The rough with the smooth 

This little brain of mine never shuts off… I don’t think I’ve ever been with a partner who hasn’t told me I think to much…. And they’re right. Every sentence, every smile, every frown I analyse – what do they think of me?… Really?… Deep down?… They’ve mentioned an ex a flippant comment… Did they think she was prettier, did they have more fun. 

An ex is an ex for a reason – stupid brain. 

I sit here so happy to finally be with the man who has been my best friend for the past three years. Wouldn’t it be sensible for my brain to believe he feels the same. 

He is however perfect with me, and although I go quiet – anxious – I shrink. He lets me get through it. He allows me to get upset, I’ve talked more to him than anyone in a long time. I really want the nervous thoughts to leave and just allow me to be happy….

Any coping mechanisms for when your mind tells you lies? 

I’m falling

I can feel the cloud of depression slowly moving in about to settle above my head…. I can feel the physical pressure it places on my forehead, it draining my energy, it pushing any evidence of a smile into a frown, it tearing my happy thoughts away, it wanting me to crawl into a ball shut out the world and hope I just disappear. 

I don’t want this

God I want to push it away, but I can’t….

How do I move this?

Everything I am negative about…. I want to cry continuously

How do I stop this setting it? 

I don’t want this. Not again 

Insecurities 

I am insecure. 

I always tell new partners I’m insecure.

I could spend hours analysing, looking for that specific moment when my confidence drained. When I thought that everyone would always think the grass was always greener than to stay and be with me. 

I have been loved, hated, cared for, stamped on, adored, heartbroken…. But haven’t we all. 

Yet some people seem to fit into a new relationship and either hide or ignore their insecurities…. Mine rush through me, shoving the other person away from me, giving them a reason to leave. 

I often and can’t seem to help think if I was different, people would love me more, if I wasn’t so grumpy or didn’t enjoy to swear my head off at the rugby or spend more money on my car than is probably sensible….  Then I’d be be happily married by now, caring for a husband and expecting kids. 

I know this is nonsense…. But yet I look for these excuses…. Am I scared to let myself be loved or will my aniexty, fears, insecurities always stop me… I’m never sure what part of me is actually in control. 

I would do anything to suppress my fears to put my confident secure self back in the driving seat….