Tag Archives: abuse

Scars 

Sometimes I wish I could close chapters on life. To lock them up and take the lessons but not the pain. 

Four years I spent in an increasingly abusive relationship… mostly mental, sometimes sexual and occasionally physical. Three years later and the fear, the anxiety, the anger at myself for trapping myself in that situation still circles me. 

After three years I am finally getting off the mortgage – of course he is coming off better. He has kept the house and paying me a very small sum of money. Because I am too weak to fight. 

Any contact with him and I revert back to my terrified self. I can feel him pinning me down – me saying no, no, no over… crying. Locking myself in the bathroom – him forcing down the door. Trying to escape the house – him hiding the key after dragging me back to the flat by my hair. All the lies. All the financial control. Making me feel I was nothing. That no one else wanted me. That I needed him for survival. He caused me to destroy friendships. To lose my identity, my confidence, my coping mechanisms. 

However what now tears me apart is from the contact he acts like nothing happened – he’s wished me and my family a happy Christmas. Christmas an event that his actions led to one suicide attempt and one stay in a psychiatric ward. 

Well sod him – karma will prevail. 

I have everything that is the key to happiness. I am loved and feel loved for being me. I can stand on my own two feet financially. I have hobbies I love and a job I am passionate about. 

So hear is a promise to myself – every time those niggles, those pains from the past come in. They are getting told to F OFF – no tiny, pathetic human should control my happiness. It is in my hands, my heart, my head and I choose to surround myself with the incredible people I am discovering in this world. 

It won’t be easy, but I’m gonna fight this anxiety and depression. 2017 is the year I learn to cope! Let go! And have some bloody fun! 

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Impact fctors

So depression,anxiety illness I’ve had since I was a teen, I use to be able to cope with them… My early twenties I didn’t lash out, I merely cried or cut when it was quiet and safe to do so. 

Then I met a man, who had other ideas. Who pushed me to an inch or my life. Who told me nothing I did was good enough. Who made me feel like every opinion I had was wrong. Who made me feel like I was horrible and should be honoured that he wanted to have me in his life. The mental abuse was horrendous – I was a shadow of my former self. The rape left me feeling ugly, destroyed, confused. 
Eventually I mustered the strength to leave him…. Which resulted in a short stay in a psychiatric ward. I managed after a lot of help and drugs get myself back on my feet…. But this post is not about the past… It is about the present. I now seem incapable to have a normal relationship – every challenge, every minor argument I blow up – throw things, last night it was red wine all over my partner – my best friend. Why can’t I go back to the way things were? When the only person I hurt was myself? Why am I so scarred by my past relationship – I’ve met my best a guy that really loves me- and I throw it in his face – I can’t accept that this is happiness and it’s okay. 

People think once you’re removed from a suitauation it’ll be okay – you’ll bounce back. But I live with emotional scars – I feel guilty for entering another relationship, why should I put anyone through living with me. 
I write this now not knowing if my boyfriend will come home, if we’re over, or if due to feelings I can’t deal with I’ve lost him. And all hope that I could put the past behind me.