I’m impressed with how well I’ve been doing lately.
Okay so I still get those episodes of fear, dread, jealousity, insecurity. But it’s almost like I’m learning to let them wash over me and remove them from my brain. Not let them park up and linger – let them pass through. This is major progress – I must of had four incidences yesterday which usually would send me into an anxious frenzy. Where I’d need to lock down, throw up all my defences ans ultimately end up arguing with my partner.
However, yesterday okay so I went a bit quiet and internally slightly hurt but I didn’t let them linger. We weren’t discussing things a hour later – with me sobbing about how hard it is to control my mind.
I have no doubt that his support is a huge factor in this, he held me yesterday out of the blue and said he felt sad that anyone had mistreated me. Sometimes when you feel someone is thinking about what you’ve been through as well it makes it feel more like you’re tackling it together.
But perhaps also my hypnosis and meditation is helping too. Also going working somewhere I enjoy has to be helping. All these little things are potentially helping me tackle the little moments.
I’m not saying I’m cured – there is no cure. Or that I’m fully coping. But little steps are encouraging.
Im having a good day.
I can feel mr anxiety in the background but today I’ve got him under control. I stick him in the back room of your mind, let him do some filing about all the regular triggers.
I finish work happy.
I speak to people at your door confidently. I talk to people on the phone, engage them in conversation – 3 people in one night. That’s pretty awesome for someone who usually hates talking on the phone.
Then something. Someone spoils it.
I shouldn’t let them. But they do. They make me irritable. Annoyed. Slightly angry…. don’t they know I was doing great today.
But what was different today – I spotted my mood. I’m writing this before I meditate. I spotted the signs of mr anxiety trying to move back into the driving seat. That has to be a positive step right?
I think, maybe I could actually use my over analysing to conquer my ever busy mind. Maybe if I can analyse and recognise when I’m falling then I’ll know when I need to step up full on coping strategies.
Sounds simple – I wish it was…
Sometimes I think the hardest thing is acceptance.
Acceptance that I have to live with anxiety. Depressive episodes. Acceptance that even on those good, terrific days, where everything is going well. Those days when I’m confident in my own skin – mr anxiety can strike and ruin it all.
Am I the only one that wakes up feeling good and forgets that I have to keep working on my coping. That I have to keep meditating, that I have to keep clearing my head, that I have to keep remembering that I have anxiety and depression.
When I feel good, it feels better not to remember the struggles that I go through. But maybe by forgetting it allows it to strike again much earlier.
God I wish I could suppress it – a holiday from my head would be nice.
Has anyone found a way to practice coping during the times they don’t need to cope?