Panic attacks ahoy

Today was awful 

After the first hour of work I felt the dread creeping in. Then along came mr panic. I managed to hold off mrs tears until the moment I got into my car. 

Dusted myself off and started the journey to the shop – this couldn’t be another evening I went without food. Thank goddess for self service – I’m sure they were a gift for anxiety sufferers for those days we just have no words. 

On the way home my boyfriend rang, his voice like a huge hug. I didn’t want him to go or stop talking. I listened and tried to tell him about my day. My head screaming to tell him how low I felt – but the words didn’t come out. We said goodbye and the looniest started. 

Panic attack number 1 – I shake I feel numb, I fall to my knees. Deep breaths I say – enough to get peppermint tea. I’m desperate to talk to someone, but no answer. 

I calm myself, then like a lightening bolt – panic attack number 2 – again I’m crumbling, falling, trying to fight it, I go upstairs and contemplate a hot bath. The thought of the effort of getting the temperature right is too much – I fall down the stairs. I fall into a pathetic heap. I’m desperate to talk to someone – no answer. 

The evening continues – with more panic and breaks where for a short time I think it’s going to be okay. I draw, I drink tea, I do try. 

I’m the most selfish person when I’m anxious and depressed. I worry about myself and want to be looked after. I panic about being panicked… i feel so alone and just want someone to be there. 

I’m horrible and unkind. I’m jealous and pathetic. I really don’t want to be like this anymore. I need to recognise I’m better when I’m controlling this illness instead of letting it controlling me and others around me. 

I’m tried of risking my relationship, risking my best friend. I’m quite sure my partner might be more understanding to the occasional tear storm, if the other 350 days of the year were me working my ass off to get on top of this demon. 

Scars

Sometimes I wish I could close chapters on life. To lock them up and take the lessons but not the pain. 

Four years I spent in an increasingly abusive relationship… mostly mental, sometimes sexual and occasionally physical. Three years later and the fear, the anxiety, the anger at myself for trapping myself in that situation still circles me. 

After three years I am finally getting off the mortgage – of course he is coming off better. He has kept the house and paying me a very small sum of money. Because I am too weak to fight. 

Any contact with him and I revert back to my terrified self. I can feel him pinning me down – me saying no, no, no over… crying. Locking myself in the bathroom – him forcing down the door. Trying to escape the house – him hiding the key after dragging me back to the flat by my hair. All the lies. All the financial control. Making me feel I was nothing. That no one else wanted me. That I needed him for survival. He caused me to destroy friendships. To lose my identity, my confidence, my coping mechanisms. 

However what now tears me apart is from the contact he acts like nothing happened – he’s wished me and my family a happy Christmas. Christmas an event that his actions led to one suicide attempt and one stay in a psychiatric ward. 

Well sod him – karma will prevail. 

I have everything that is the key to happiness. I am loved and feel loved for being me. I can stand on my own two feet financially. I have hobbies I love and a job I am passionate about. 

So hear is a promise to myself – every time those niggles, those pains from the past come in. They are getting told to F OFF – no tiny, pathetic human should control my happiness. It is in my hands, my heart, my head and I choose to surround myself with the incredible people I am discovering in this world. 

It won’t be easy, but I’m gonna fight this anxiety and depression. 2017 is the year I learn to cope! Let go! And have some bloody fun! 

Shake it off

Sometimes I wish I had thicker skin.  Sometimes I wish the negativity would just run off me. Sometimes I wish I could just shrug it off. That I didn’t let it penetrate myself y mind and allow it chip away at me. To wake me up in the night, stealing my sleep, fragment my focus. 


But yet I seem incapable of this. 

I’m not sure if there is a trick to doing this… is anyone capable of mastering it. Are those who can emotionless, devoid of love and compassion? 

But even if I could just let fifty percent of the negativity wash over me, then it would make this journey easier. It would make my sleep my peaceful and my mind less cluttered. 

Counting to 10

I’m impressed with how well I’ve been doing lately. 

Okay so I still get those episodes of fear, dread, jealousity, insecurity. But it’s almost like I’m learning to let them wash over me and remove them from my brain. Not let them park up and linger – let them pass through. This is major progress – I must of had four incidences yesterday which usually would send me into an anxious frenzy. Where I’d need to lock down, throw up all my defences ans ultimately end up arguing with my partner. 

However, yesterday okay so I went a bit quiet and internally slightly hurt but I didn’t let them linger. We weren’t discussing things a hour later – with me sobbing about how hard it is to control my mind. 

I have no doubt that his support is a huge factor in this, he held me yesterday out of the blue and said he felt sad that anyone had mistreated me. Sometimes when you feel someone is thinking about what you’ve been through as well it makes it feel more like you’re tackling it together. 

But perhaps also my hypnosis and meditation is helping too. Also going working somewhere I enjoy has to be helping. All these little things are potentially helping me tackle the little moments. 

I’m not saying I’m cured – there is no cure. Or that I’m fully coping. But little steps are encouraging. 

Irritations

Im having a good day. 

I can feel mr anxiety in the background but today I’ve got him under control. I stick him in the back room of your mind, let him do some filing about all the regular triggers. 

I finish work happy. 

I speak to people at your door confidently. I talk to people on the phone, engage them in conversation – 3 people in one night. That’s pretty awesome for someone who usually hates talking on the phone. 

Then something. Someone spoils it. 

I shouldn’t let them. But they do. They make me irritable. Annoyed. Slightly angry…. don’t they know I was doing great today. 

But what was different today – I spotted my mood. I’m writing this before I meditate. I spotted the signs of mr anxiety trying to move back into the driving seat. That has to be a positive step right? 

I think, maybe I could actually use my over analysing to conquer my ever busy mind. Maybe if I can analyse and recognise when I’m falling then I’ll know when I need to step up full on coping strategies. 

Sounds simple – I wish it was… 

Acceptance – advice required

Sometimes I think the hardest thing is acceptance. 

Acceptance that I have to live with anxiety. Depressive episodes. Acceptance that even on those good, terrific days, where everything is going well. Those days when I’m confident in my own skin – mr anxiety can strike and ruin it all.

Am I the only one that wakes up feeling good and forgets that I have to keep working on my coping. That I have to keep meditating, that I have to keep clearing my head, that I have to keep remembering that I have anxiety and depression. 

When I feel good, it feels better not to remember the struggles that I go through. But maybe by forgetting it allows it to strike again much earlier. 

God I wish I could suppress it – a holiday from my head would be nice. 

Has anyone found a way to practice coping during the times they don’t need to cope? 

The bizarre world of happiness

So I’m dating my bestie… And it’s strangely awesome. Yet that niggle in the back of my mind tells me relationships always start well for me… I’m happy, attentive, sexy, funny, enthusiastic… Then something falls… Something slips… I change, depression aniexty hits, I become moody, and horrible, I cry, I change. 

Sometimes I think… I’m just not with the right person… God I hope this is true. 

Sometimes I think it’s me… Destined to be alone, well not alone my depression cloud beside me. 

My wonder man and I have known each other three years, he’s been terrific, honest with me, mopped my tears, I’ve told him everything… And perhaps this is what I need a friendship relationship. 

I think back to my first love whom I adored… He was my best friend for long before we dated. Maybe that is the key to keeping me happy. 

I just want contentment, I’m terrified if my irrational mental state throws this relationship away I’ll also lose my best friend…. 

But at the moment I’m happy…. Let’s just take it slow. 

Questions

I often wonder how much we feel, because that’s how we feel we are suppose to feel. 

How much we are fed in novels and films, tv, social media? 

Like we get annoyed at friends, family, partners because we feel we should be annoyed… But yet actually we’re okay with the situation… We can let whatever they have done pass… But instead we question it, get annoyed, upset because we feel we should.

I recently recently starting dating a man that over the last three years has been my best friend, held my hand through breakups – made me coffee, dinner, taken me out for numerous coffees. We’ve laughed, shared and had the most wonderful friendship – but although I had often pondered if it would – he finally kissed me. I now find myself dating a man I know inside out, I think is wonderful, gorgeous, caring but above all I know that he would never hurt me. 

I went through the turmoil of wondering whether to risk a friendship… But if I can’t be with my best friend then who? 

However I don’t want to fall back into the relationship trap – where I lose all confidence, become insecure, and push them away. This I know will be a struggle and perhaps something I need to talk to him about….? 

But things are good… Amazing…. Incredible. 

But yet I question things, “how much does he like me?” “Does he call me enough?” “Did he like his ex more”…. I question these feelings cos I feel I should… Like half my brain is saying he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t want to be and the other is telling me to ask him…. I ask him he takes on board what I’m saying and says its up to him to try harder… But then I question did i really feel these things in the first place.

Sometimes I want to stop questioning and just enjoy. 

Starting over

Before Christmas saw the breakdown of my relationship…. I say breakdown, we had an argument he text to say it was over. 

So it’s over. And I was okay. 

I never thought I would be okay, I don’t think my friends and family thought I would be okay. But I was, am. 

There’s perhaps a big reason for this okayness, which I’ll explain in later blogs. But isn’t amazing I think, how far I’ve come…. Changes, breakdowns, relationships caused me to self destruct…. Attempt suicide… Cut… Cry.

But I’m okay.

It’s not the end of the world. I’ve sorted out the lease for the flat we shared. I can even have a cuppa with my now ex and feel almost normal. 

So I know I’m getting better… I can manage my mind… Yet I can’t help but feel my depression, anxiety, insecurities drove him away. That I’ll never be able to not drive people away. 

So I thought, maybe I should blog, blog my way through life… Put my thoughts down, before I shout about them. Even go through what I’d write down in my head and see if it helps. 

We’ll see. 

Back to work tomorrow. 

Life starts again…. But this year might be different, and end on a high… 

Impact fctors

So depression,anxiety illness I’ve had since I was a teen, I use to be able to cope with them… My early twenties I didn’t lash out, I merely cried or cut when it was quiet and safe to do so. 

Then I met a man, who had other ideas. Who pushed me to an inch or my life. Who told me nothing I did was good enough. Who made me feel like every opinion I had was wrong. Who made me feel like I was horrible and should be honoured that he wanted to have me in his life. The mental abuse was horrendous – I was a shadow of my former self. The rape left me feeling ugly, destroyed, confused. 
Eventually I mustered the strength to leave him…. Which resulted in a short stay in a psychiatric ward. I managed after a lot of help and drugs get myself back on my feet…. But this post is not about the past… It is about the present. I now seem incapable to have a normal relationship – every challenge, every minor argument I blow up – throw things, last night it was red wine all over my partner – my best friend. Why can’t I go back to the way things were? When the only person I hurt was myself? Why am I so scarred by my past relationship – I’ve met my best a guy that really loves me- and I throw it in his face – I can’t accept that this is happiness and it’s okay. 

People think once you’re removed from a suitauation it’ll be okay – you’ll bounce back. But I live with emotional scars – I feel guilty for entering another relationship, why should I put anyone through living with me. 
I write this now not knowing if my boyfriend will come home, if we’re over, or if due to feelings I can’t deal with I’ve lost him. And all hope that I could put the past behind me.