Today was awful
After the first hour of work I felt the dread creeping in. Then along came mr panic. I managed to hold off mrs tears until the moment I got into my car.
Dusted myself off and started the journey to the shop – this couldn’t be another evening I went without food. Thank goddess for self service – I’m sure they were a gift for anxiety sufferers for those days we just have no words.
On the way home my boyfriend rang, his voice like a huge hug. I didn’t want him to go or stop talking. I listened and tried to tell him about my day. My head screaming to tell him how low I felt – but the words didn’t come out. We said goodbye and the looniest started.
Panic attack number 1 – I shake I feel numb, I fall to my knees. Deep breaths I say – enough to get peppermint tea. I’m desperate to talk to someone, but no answer.
I calm myself, then like a lightening bolt – panic attack number 2 – again I’m crumbling, falling, trying to fight it, I go upstairs and contemplate a hot bath. The thought of the effort of getting the temperature right is too much – I fall down the stairs. I fall into a pathetic heap. I’m desperate to talk to someone – no answer.
The evening continues – with more panic and breaks where for a short time I think it’s going to be okay. I draw, I drink tea, I do try.
I’m the most selfish person when I’m anxious and depressed. I worry about myself and want to be looked after. I panic about being panicked… i feel so alone and just want someone to be there.
I’m horrible and unkind. I’m jealous and pathetic. I really don’t want to be like this anymore. I need to recognise I’m better when I’m controlling this illness instead of letting it controlling me and others around me.
I’m tried of risking my relationship, risking my best friend. I’m quite sure my partner might be more understanding to the occasional tear storm, if the other 350 days of the year were me working my ass off to get on top of this demon.