Tag Archives: hope

Panic attacks ahoy 

Today was awful 

After the first hour of work I felt the dread creeping in. Then along came mr panic. I managed to hold off mrs tears until the moment I got into my car. 

Dusted myself off and started the journey to the shop – this couldn’t be another evening I went without food. Thank goddess for self service – I’m sure they were a gift for anxiety sufferers for those days we just have no words. 

On the way home my boyfriend rang, his voice like a huge hug. I didn’t want him to go or stop talking. I listened and tried to tell him about my day. My head screaming to tell him how low I felt – but the words didn’t come out. We said goodbye and the looniest started. 

Panic attack number 1 – I shake I feel numb, I fall to my knees. Deep breaths I say – enough to get peppermint tea. I’m desperate to talk to someone, but no answer. 

I calm myself, then like a lightening bolt – panic attack number 2 – again I’m crumbling, falling, trying to fight it, I go upstairs and contemplate a hot bath. The thought of the effort of getting the temperature right is too much – I fall down the stairs. I fall into a pathetic heap. I’m desperate to talk to someone – no answer. 

The evening continues – with more panic and breaks where for a short time I think it’s going to be okay. I draw, I drink tea, I do try. 

I’m the most selfish person when I’m anxious and depressed. I worry about myself and want to be looked after. I panic about being panicked… i feel so alone and just want someone to be there. 

I’m horrible and unkind. I’m jealous and pathetic. I really don’t want to be like this anymore. I need to recognise I’m better when I’m controlling this illness instead of letting it controlling me and others around me. 

I’m tried of risking my relationship, risking my best friend. I’m quite sure my partner might be more understanding to the occasional tear storm, if the other 350 days of the year were me working my ass off to get on top of this demon. 

let it go 

  Today I think…. What was yesterday all about, why was I like that. Why was I such an idiot? Why I was I crying? Why did I ruin mine and my boyfriends day? Why do I let Mr depression take over? 

The clouds have cleared, I’m still full of cold so I do just want to go back to bed…. But not because the depression tells me so. 

The thing I feel most is guilt, I ruined the weekend for both myself and my boyfriend… Who is quite frankly the most understanding guy in the world, I’m not sure how he does it…. Maybe he’s sneaking my citalopram:) 

I definitely am able to move on from the little things…. I say to myself, will this affect me next week, next month, next year, five years from now. Unless the answer is yes to all of these… I try my best to let it go. 

Imagine it as a balloon… Hold up the worry and let it go…. (Maybe it’s what that frozen girl was singing about). 

Head zaps 

  So here I am, decreased the citalopram 40 mg, to 20 to 10 and now 0 mg. Three days in and these head zaps are horrendous, the mornings start well but then as the day goes on, zap, zap, zap. Like electricity running through me, twisting inside me, with every zap I feel sick, I close my eyes and wait for it to stop.

Don’t move my head I think…. Keep it still, the zaps will stop. Then I realise I’m at work and have to function. My concentration span has deteriorated this week – it better come back with vengeance as I need to write reports! 

Zap zap zap, I feel clumsy like everytime I hold something I’ll drop it. Zap zap zap I hear my words slurring it’s hard to move my mouth in a controlled manner…. 

I know I have Citalopram left at home, I could take some and this zapping would stop. But I persist…. I’m too stubborn to fail. I’m a biologist – I will not be beaten by chemistry. 

(I should explain that I actually am I biologist, I love the wonders of life… However it sometimes makes me look at myself as a statistical outlier… The organism who doesn’t operate in the same way as others. That causes headaches for others… Who needs different optimal conditions to grow. 

Whatever the case what I need right now is these zaps to stop, the last two evenings I’ve come straight home to bed. I’m too tired of the zapping to do anything else… I sleep or watch Netflix and part of it is great…. Having some lazy time. The other part feels awful that I’m putting my body through this. I don’t think you realise how much antidepressants work on your brain until you try to come off them. 
But I’ll persist. I just want to know if I can do it.  

 Be antidepressant free AND Happy.