Tag Archives: new year

Scars 

Sometimes I wish I could close chapters on life. To lock them up and take the lessons but not the pain. 

Four years I spent in an increasingly abusive relationship… mostly mental, sometimes sexual and occasionally physical. Three years later and the fear, the anxiety, the anger at myself for trapping myself in that situation still circles me. 

After three years I am finally getting off the mortgage – of course he is coming off better. He has kept the house and paying me a very small sum of money. Because I am too weak to fight. 

Any contact with him and I revert back to my terrified self. I can feel him pinning me down – me saying no, no, no over… crying. Locking myself in the bathroom – him forcing down the door. Trying to escape the house – him hiding the key after dragging me back to the flat by my hair. All the lies. All the financial control. Making me feel I was nothing. That no one else wanted me. That I needed him for survival. He caused me to destroy friendships. To lose my identity, my confidence, my coping mechanisms. 

However what now tears me apart is from the contact he acts like nothing happened – he’s wished me and my family a happy Christmas. Christmas an event that his actions led to one suicide attempt and one stay in a psychiatric ward. 

Well sod him – karma will prevail. 

I have everything that is the key to happiness. I am loved and feel loved for being me. I can stand on my own two feet financially. I have hobbies I love and a job I am passionate about. 

So hear is a promise to myself – every time those niggles, those pains from the past come in. They are getting told to F OFF – no tiny, pathetic human should control my happiness. It is in my hands, my heart, my head and I choose to surround myself with the incredible people I am discovering in this world. 

It won’t be easy, but I’m gonna fight this anxiety and depression. 2017 is the year I learn to cope! Let go! And have some bloody fun! 

Starting over 

Before Christmas saw the breakdown of my relationship…. I say breakdown, we had an argument he text to say it was over. 

So it’s over. And I was okay. 

I never thought I would be okay, I don’t think my friends and family thought I would be okay. But I was, am. 

There’s perhaps a big reason for this okayness, which I’ll explain in later blogs. But isn’t amazing I think, how far I’ve come…. Changes, breakdowns, relationships caused me to self destruct…. Attempt suicide… Cut… Cry.

But I’m okay.

It’s not the end of the world. I’ve sorted out the lease for the flat we shared. I can even have a cuppa with my now ex and feel almost normal. 

So I know I’m getting better… I can manage my mind… Yet I can’t help but feel my depression, anxiety, insecurities drove him away. That I’ll never be able to not drive people away. 

So I thought, maybe I should blog, blog my way through life… Put my thoughts down, before I shout about them. Even go through what I’d write down in my head and see if it helps. 

We’ll see. 

Back to work tomorrow. 

Life starts again…. But this year might be different, and end on a high…