Tag Archives: relationships

Old anxious habits die hard

It has been 565 days since I said my goodbye to antidepressants. 565 days since I wrote about the head zaps, nausea, insominia and fear that I couldn’t cope without the drugs.  But here I am drug free – getting out of bed, going to work and returning home each day – without the need for the happy pills.

However, I expected that by working hard to come off the antidepressants I would also have worked out how to deal with my depression and anxiety.  The reality is they still cripple me from time to time.  I’m still crippled by the fear of having anxiety attacks and falling into a pit of depression.

In the last couple of months I have started seeing a counsellor again, I should of done it sooner, I suspect my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend/best friend may of really started to suffer if I had put it off much longer. The counselling is definitely helping – I see a fantastic lady who actually gives me advice, and doesn’t focus on my past and want to blame my parents.  Instead she looks at where I am now, and where I want to go with life.  However despite all the progress I am making I have this fear that I will always live with these anxious episodes, I will always live with heightened jealously, I will always live moments away from diving into that dark pool of depression.

I recently felt I was doing a lot better – not in the way that I was stopping such episodes, but in the way that I was noticing they were coming.  They were no longer sneaking up on me, which is apparently stage 1 of stopping them, its hard to stop the unexpected.  If I can realise when they’re coming then they next stage will be to learn how to deal with them and not let them take over.  Although I thought I was getting better at being on alert for the anxious angry army, but last night one hell of an attack snuck on me – there is was – jealously, anger, anxiety, panic, pain – any self esteem I did have had left the building, I was once again the lost soul I have become so many times since my teens.

I could talk about all the horrors and demons that creep into my mind during these episodes, but the one I feel will take the biggest amount of effort and change in my outlook is my jealousy.  I trust my partner dearly, I know he would never hurt me – he puts up with me through all of the above and stands by me.  But when I feel like nothing, when I feel ugly, pathetic, terrible at everything I do, like a burden on his life I find it terribly difficult not to feel jealous when he is out having fun with other people, especially when I can barely look after myself.  Why would he want to be with someone that manages to lose all control, that can’t maintain or even fake happiness a large portion of the time.  He’s my rock, my muse, my support system – but its so hard not to feel guilty when I put him through this.

I would love to conquer my jealousy, but it is one of the symptoms that I fear to conquer – which probably sounds idiotic.  I cannot help but think that is I am not heightened to such things then I may be opening myself up to being walked over – this is of course my anxiety talking and when I’m back in a solid state of mind I’d love to be breezy and live without jealousy.  Yet it seems terribly hard to conquer – maybe I try my depression tool box on it – go for a walk, meditate, watch a favourite film – but I’m pretty sure this one is going to take some beating.  I just want to find someone that knows how it feels and tell me how they did it, how they don’t feel abandoned, left out, how they still feel involved with someones life even when they’re not there…

Usually when I blog, by the end I come to some realisation that I am being silly, and in a way writing it all down helps me talk myself round.  Yet today I just feel a terrible sense of guilt, does anyone else struggle the days after they’ve had an anxious episode to snap themselves out of it?  I seem to wallow in bed, without food, and will probably sit and wait for morning to come with my old friend insomnia.  How do I wash this away and get on with my week/life – I won’t see my partner until the weekend – I’d like to be at the point where hearing his voice doesn’t make me want to weep.  Answers on a post card please.

 

 

Scars 

Sometimes I wish I could close chapters on life. To lock them up and take the lessons but not the pain. 

Four years I spent in an increasingly abusive relationship… mostly mental, sometimes sexual and occasionally physical. Three years later and the fear, the anxiety, the anger at myself for trapping myself in that situation still circles me. 

After three years I am finally getting off the mortgage – of course he is coming off better. He has kept the house and paying me a very small sum of money. Because I am too weak to fight. 

Any contact with him and I revert back to my terrified self. I can feel him pinning me down – me saying no, no, no over… crying. Locking myself in the bathroom – him forcing down the door. Trying to escape the house – him hiding the key after dragging me back to the flat by my hair. All the lies. All the financial control. Making me feel I was nothing. That no one else wanted me. That I needed him for survival. He caused me to destroy friendships. To lose my identity, my confidence, my coping mechanisms. 

However what now tears me apart is from the contact he acts like nothing happened – he’s wished me and my family a happy Christmas. Christmas an event that his actions led to one suicide attempt and one stay in a psychiatric ward. 

Well sod him – karma will prevail. 

I have everything that is the key to happiness. I am loved and feel loved for being me. I can stand on my own two feet financially. I have hobbies I love and a job I am passionate about. 

So hear is a promise to myself – every time those niggles, those pains from the past come in. They are getting told to F OFF – no tiny, pathetic human should control my happiness. It is in my hands, my heart, my head and I choose to surround myself with the incredible people I am discovering in this world. 

It won’t be easy, but I’m gonna fight this anxiety and depression. 2017 is the year I learn to cope! Let go! And have some bloody fun! 

Questions 

I often wonder how much we feel, because that’s how we feel we are suppose to feel. 

How much we are fed in novels and films, tv, social media? 

Like we get annoyed at friends, family, partners because we feel we should be annoyed… But yet actually we’re okay with the situation… We can let whatever they have done pass… But instead we question it, get annoyed, upset because we feel we should.

I recently recently starting dating a man that over the last three years has been my best friend, held my hand through breakups – made me coffee, dinner, taken me out for numerous coffees. We’ve laughed, shared and had the most wonderful friendship – but although I had often pondered if it would – he finally kissed me. I now find myself dating a man I know inside out, I think is wonderful, gorgeous, caring but above all I know that he would never hurt me. 

I went through the turmoil of wondering whether to risk a friendship… But if I can’t be with my best friend then who? 

However I don’t want to fall back into the relationship trap – where I lose all confidence, become insecure, and push them away. This I know will be a struggle and perhaps something I need to talk to him about….? 

But things are good… Amazing…. Incredible. 

But yet I question things, “how much does he like me?” “Does he call me enough?” “Did he like his ex more”…. I question these feelings cos I feel I should… Like half my brain is saying he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t want to be and the other is telling me to ask him…. I ask him he takes on board what I’m saying and says its up to him to try harder… But then I question did i really feel these things in the first place.

Sometimes I want to stop questioning and just enjoy. 

Impact fctors

So depression,anxiety illness I’ve had since I was a teen, I use to be able to cope with them… My early twenties I didn’t lash out, I merely cried or cut when it was quiet and safe to do so. 

Then I met a man, who had other ideas. Who pushed me to an inch or my life. Who told me nothing I did was good enough. Who made me feel like every opinion I had was wrong. Who made me feel like I was horrible and should be honoured that he wanted to have me in his life. The mental abuse was horrendous – I was a shadow of my former self. The rape left me feeling ugly, destroyed, confused. 
Eventually I mustered the strength to leave him…. Which resulted in a short stay in a psychiatric ward. I managed after a lot of help and drugs get myself back on my feet…. But this post is not about the past… It is about the present. I now seem incapable to have a normal relationship – every challenge, every minor argument I blow up – throw things, last night it was red wine all over my partner – my best friend. Why can’t I go back to the way things were? When the only person I hurt was myself? Why am I so scarred by my past relationship – I’ve met my best a guy that really loves me- and I throw it in his face – I can’t accept that this is happiness and it’s okay. 

People think once you’re removed from a suitauation it’ll be okay – you’ll bounce back. But I live with emotional scars – I feel guilty for entering another relationship, why should I put anyone through living with me. 
I write this now not knowing if my boyfriend will come home, if we’re over, or if due to feelings I can’t deal with I’ve lost him. And all hope that I could put the past behind me.