Tag Archives: sad

Panic attacks ahoy 

Today was awful 

After the first hour of work I felt the dread creeping in. Then along came mr panic. I managed to hold off mrs tears until the moment I got into my car. 

Dusted myself off and started the journey to the shop – this couldn’t be another evening I went without food. Thank goddess for self service – I’m sure they were a gift for anxiety sufferers for those days we just have no words. 

On the way home my boyfriend rang, his voice like a huge hug. I didn’t want him to go or stop talking. I listened and tried to tell him about my day. My head screaming to tell him how low I felt – but the words didn’t come out. We said goodbye and the looniest started. 

Panic attack number 1 – I shake I feel numb, I fall to my knees. Deep breaths I say – enough to get peppermint tea. I’m desperate to talk to someone, but no answer. 

I calm myself, then like a lightening bolt – panic attack number 2 – again I’m crumbling, falling, trying to fight it, I go upstairs and contemplate a hot bath. The thought of the effort of getting the temperature right is too much – I fall down the stairs. I fall into a pathetic heap. I’m desperate to talk to someone – no answer. 

The evening continues – with more panic and breaks where for a short time I think it’s going to be okay. I draw, I drink tea, I do try. 

I’m the most selfish person when I’m anxious and depressed. I worry about myself and want to be looked after. I panic about being panicked… i feel so alone and just want someone to be there. 

I’m horrible and unkind. I’m jealous and pathetic. I really don’t want to be like this anymore. I need to recognise I’m better when I’m controlling this illness instead of letting it controlling me and others around me. 

I’m tried of risking my relationship, risking my best friend. I’m quite sure my partner might be more understanding to the occasional tear storm, if the other 350 days of the year were me working my ass off to get on top of this demon. 

Scars 

Sometimes I wish I could close chapters on life. To lock them up and take the lessons but not the pain. 

Four years I spent in an increasingly abusive relationship… mostly mental, sometimes sexual and occasionally physical. Three years later and the fear, the anxiety, the anger at myself for trapping myself in that situation still circles me. 

After three years I am finally getting off the mortgage – of course he is coming off better. He has kept the house and paying me a very small sum of money. Because I am too weak to fight. 

Any contact with him and I revert back to my terrified self. I can feel him pinning me down – me saying no, no, no over… crying. Locking myself in the bathroom – him forcing down the door. Trying to escape the house – him hiding the key after dragging me back to the flat by my hair. All the lies. All the financial control. Making me feel I was nothing. That no one else wanted me. That I needed him for survival. He caused me to destroy friendships. To lose my identity, my confidence, my coping mechanisms. 

However what now tears me apart is from the contact he acts like nothing happened – he’s wished me and my family a happy Christmas. Christmas an event that his actions led to one suicide attempt and one stay in a psychiatric ward. 

Well sod him – karma will prevail. 

I have everything that is the key to happiness. I am loved and feel loved for being me. I can stand on my own two feet financially. I have hobbies I love and a job I am passionate about. 

So hear is a promise to myself – every time those niggles, those pains from the past come in. They are getting told to F OFF – no tiny, pathetic human should control my happiness. It is in my hands, my heart, my head and I choose to surround myself with the incredible people I am discovering in this world. 

It won’t be easy, but I’m gonna fight this anxiety and depression. 2017 is the year I learn to cope! Let go! And have some bloody fun! 

Shake it off 

Sometimes I wish I had thicker skin.  Sometimes I wish the negativity would just run off me. Sometimes I wish I could just shrug it off. That I didn’t let it penetrate myself y mind and allow it chip away at me. To wake me up in the night, stealing my sleep, fragment my focus. 

But yet I seem incapable of this. 

I’m not sure if there is a trick to doing this… is anyone capable of mastering it. Are those who can emotionless, devoid of love and compassion? 

But even if I could just let fifty percent of the negativity wash over me, then it would make this journey easier. It would make my sleep my peaceful and my mind less cluttered. 

Irritations 

Im having a good day. 

I can feel mr anxiety in the background but today I’ve got him under control. I stick him in the back room of your mind, let him do some filing about all the regular triggers. 

I finish work happy. 

I speak to people at your door confidently. I talk to people on the phone, engage them in conversation – 3 people in one night. That’s pretty awesome for someone who usually hates talking on the phone. 

Then something. Someone spoils it. 

I shouldn’t let them. But they do. They make me irritable. Annoyed. Slightly angry…. don’t they know I was doing great today. 

But what was different today – I spotted my mood. I’m writing this before I meditate. I spotted the signs of mr anxiety trying to move back into the driving seat. That has to be a positive step right? 

I think, maybe I could actually use my over analysing to conquer my ever busy mind. Maybe if I can analyse and recognise when I’m falling then I’ll know when I need to step up full on coping strategies. 

Sounds simple – I wish it was… 

Acceptance – advice required

Sometimes I think the hardest thing is acceptance. 

Acceptance that I have to live with anxiety. Depressive episodes. Acceptance that even on those good, terrific days, where everything is going well. Those days when I’m confident in my own skin – mr anxiety can strike and ruin it all.

Am I the only one that wakes up feeling good and forgets that I have to keep working on my coping. That I have to keep meditating, that I have to keep clearing my head, that I have to keep remembering that I have anxiety and depression. 

When I feel good, it feels better not to remember the struggles that I go through. But maybe by forgetting it allows it to strike again much earlier. 

God I wish I could suppress it – a holiday from my head would be nice. 

Has anyone found a way to practice coping during the times they don’t need to cope? 

Questions 

I often wonder how much we feel, because that’s how we feel we are suppose to feel. 

How much we are fed in novels and films, tv, social media? 

Like we get annoyed at friends, family, partners because we feel we should be annoyed… But yet actually we’re okay with the situation… We can let whatever they have done pass… But instead we question it, get annoyed, upset because we feel we should.

I recently recently starting dating a man that over the last three years has been my best friend, held my hand through breakups – made me coffee, dinner, taken me out for numerous coffees. We’ve laughed, shared and had the most wonderful friendship – but although I had often pondered if it would – he finally kissed me. I now find myself dating a man I know inside out, I think is wonderful, gorgeous, caring but above all I know that he would never hurt me. 

I went through the turmoil of wondering whether to risk a friendship… But if I can’t be with my best friend then who? 

However I don’t want to fall back into the relationship trap – where I lose all confidence, become insecure, and push them away. This I know will be a struggle and perhaps something I need to talk to him about….? 

But things are good… Amazing…. Incredible. 

But yet I question things, “how much does he like me?” “Does he call me enough?” “Did he like his ex more”…. I question these feelings cos I feel I should… Like half my brain is saying he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t want to be and the other is telling me to ask him…. I ask him he takes on board what I’m saying and says its up to him to try harder… But then I question did i really feel these things in the first place.

Sometimes I want to stop questioning and just enjoy. 

let it go 

  Today I think…. What was yesterday all about, why was I like that. Why was I such an idiot? Why I was I crying? Why did I ruin mine and my boyfriends day? Why do I let Mr depression take over? 

The clouds have cleared, I’m still full of cold so I do just want to go back to bed…. But not because the depression tells me so. 

The thing I feel most is guilt, I ruined the weekend for both myself and my boyfriend… Who is quite frankly the most understanding guy in the world, I’m not sure how he does it…. Maybe he’s sneaking my citalopram:) 

I definitely am able to move on from the little things…. I say to myself, will this affect me next week, next month, next year, five years from now. Unless the answer is yes to all of these… I try my best to let it go. 

Imagine it as a balloon… Hold up the worry and let it go…. (Maybe it’s what that frozen girl was singing about).