Tag Archives: sadness

Old anxious habits die hard

It has been 565 days since I said my goodbye to antidepressants. 565 days since I wrote about the head zaps, nausea, insominia and fear that I couldn’t cope without the drugs.  But here I am drug free – getting out of bed, going to work and returning home each day – without the need for the happy pills.

However, I expected that by working hard to come off the antidepressants I would also have worked out how to deal with my depression and anxiety.  The reality is they still cripple me from time to time.  I’m still crippled by the fear of having anxiety attacks and falling into a pit of depression.

In the last couple of months I have started seeing a counsellor again, I should of done it sooner, I suspect my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend/best friend may of really started to suffer if I had put it off much longer. The counselling is definitely helping – I see a fantastic lady who actually gives me advice, and doesn’t focus on my past and want to blame my parents.  Instead she looks at where I am now, and where I want to go with life.  However despite all the progress I am making I have this fear that I will always live with these anxious episodes, I will always live with heightened jealously, I will always live moments away from diving into that dark pool of depression.

I recently felt I was doing a lot better – not in the way that I was stopping such episodes, but in the way that I was noticing they were coming.  They were no longer sneaking up on me, which is apparently stage 1 of stopping them, its hard to stop the unexpected.  If I can realise when they’re coming then they next stage will be to learn how to deal with them and not let them take over.  Although I thought I was getting better at being on alert for the anxious angry army, but last night one hell of an attack snuck on me – there is was – jealously, anger, anxiety, panic, pain – any self esteem I did have had left the building, I was once again the lost soul I have become so many times since my teens.

I could talk about all the horrors and demons that creep into my mind during these episodes, but the one I feel will take the biggest amount of effort and change in my outlook is my jealousy.  I trust my partner dearly, I know he would never hurt me – he puts up with me through all of the above and stands by me.  But when I feel like nothing, when I feel ugly, pathetic, terrible at everything I do, like a burden on his life I find it terribly difficult not to feel jealous when he is out having fun with other people, especially when I can barely look after myself.  Why would he want to be with someone that manages to lose all control, that can’t maintain or even fake happiness a large portion of the time.  He’s my rock, my muse, my support system – but its so hard not to feel guilty when I put him through this.

I would love to conquer my jealousy, but it is one of the symptoms that I fear to conquer – which probably sounds idiotic.  I cannot help but think that is I am not heightened to such things then I may be opening myself up to being walked over – this is of course my anxiety talking and when I’m back in a solid state of mind I’d love to be breezy and live without jealousy.  Yet it seems terribly hard to conquer – maybe I try my depression tool box on it – go for a walk, meditate, watch a favourite film – but I’m pretty sure this one is going to take some beating.  I just want to find someone that knows how it feels and tell me how they did it, how they don’t feel abandoned, left out, how they still feel involved with someones life even when they’re not there…

Usually when I blog, by the end I come to some realisation that I am being silly, and in a way writing it all down helps me talk myself round.  Yet today I just feel a terrible sense of guilt, does anyone else struggle the days after they’ve had an anxious episode to snap themselves out of it?  I seem to wallow in bed, without food, and will probably sit and wait for morning to come with my old friend insomnia.  How do I wash this away and get on with my week/life – I won’t see my partner until the weekend – I’d like to be at the point where hearing his voice doesn’t make me want to weep.  Answers on a post card please.




Shake it off 

Sometimes I wish I had thicker skin.  Sometimes I wish the negativity would just run off me. Sometimes I wish I could just shrug it off. That I didn’t let it penetrate myself y mind and allow it chip away at me. To wake me up in the night, stealing my sleep, fragment my focus. 

But yet I seem incapable of this. 

I’m not sure if there is a trick to doing this… is anyone capable of mastering it. Are those who can emotionless, devoid of love and compassion? 

But even if I could just let fifty percent of the negativity wash over me, then it would make this journey easier. It would make my sleep my peaceful and my mind less cluttered. 

Acceptance – advice required

Sometimes I think the hardest thing is acceptance. 

Acceptance that I have to live with anxiety. Depressive episodes. Acceptance that even on those good, terrific days, where everything is going well. Those days when I’m confident in my own skin – mr anxiety can strike and ruin it all.

Am I the only one that wakes up feeling good and forgets that I have to keep working on my coping. That I have to keep meditating, that I have to keep clearing my head, that I have to keep remembering that I have anxiety and depression. 

When I feel good, it feels better not to remember the struggles that I go through. But maybe by forgetting it allows it to strike again much earlier. 

God I wish I could suppress it – a holiday from my head would be nice. 

Has anyone found a way to practice coping during the times they don’t need to cope? 

Glass skulls

  i wish people were transparent… If I knew how they felt, how much they hated me, how much they loved me. 

Life would be easier, I wouldn’t have to assume everyone hated me and was out to get me. 

Depression sucks…. People with depression have some understanding of each other, but it’s not like they can come in your help and help your sort out the crosses wires and paperwork. 

I sometimes wish I could take a six month break off life and sort mine out. Still do day to day things, but spend my time studying ways to not feel useless, to make mistakes and not take the guilt to the grave, to let myself be loved. 

I’d love to be a fly on the wall, everything seems so perfect to me… Except me. 

I want to see inside others, to play spot the difference…. To see the similarities. 

However my mind set got this way, I have to live with it now. I just wonder if I can ever live a life of happiness with it.  

Head zaps 

  So here I am, decreased the citalopram 40 mg, to 20 to 10 and now 0 mg. Three days in and these head zaps are horrendous, the mornings start well but then as the day goes on, zap, zap, zap. Like electricity running through me, twisting inside me, with every zap I feel sick, I close my eyes and wait for it to stop.

Don’t move my head I think…. Keep it still, the zaps will stop. Then I realise I’m at work and have to function. My concentration span has deteriorated this week – it better come back with vengeance as I need to write reports! 

Zap zap zap, I feel clumsy like everytime I hold something I’ll drop it. Zap zap zap I hear my words slurring it’s hard to move my mouth in a controlled manner…. 

I know I have Citalopram left at home, I could take some and this zapping would stop. But I persist…. I’m too stubborn to fail. I’m a biologist – I will not be beaten by chemistry. 

(I should explain that I actually am I biologist, I love the wonders of life… However it sometimes makes me look at myself as a statistical outlier… The organism who doesn’t operate in the same way as others. That causes headaches for others… Who needs different optimal conditions to grow. 

Whatever the case what I need right now is these zaps to stop, the last two evenings I’ve come straight home to bed. I’m too tired of the zapping to do anything else… I sleep or watch Netflix and part of it is great…. Having some lazy time. The other part feels awful that I’m putting my body through this. I don’t think you realise how much antidepressants work on your brain until you try to come off them. 
But I’ll persist. I just want to know if I can do it.  

 Be antidepressant free AND Happy.